The Zombie Apocalypse

You may think you’re safe from the impending Zombie Apocalypse, but you’re not. Recently I put together a few Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kits. Perhaps my list of items will help you be better prepared for the end of the world as we know it.

1. Business Cards for Dr. Scott C. Burdge:

As you may know, running is the best way to avoid zombies. That means your feet need to be at their best. Dr. Burdge is the man who can help keep your feet ready to face any disaster.

2. Trail Mix:

Stay in one place and you’re bound to be found. Trail mix was made for long treks.

3. Note Pad:

Successful strategies should be recorded and shared. Take notes. Write your story. What is written will endure long after you’ve been bitten. You’ll be remembered as the human you once were and not the zombie you’ve become.

4. Pen:

The essential companion to the notepad also doubles as a handy weapon. If a zombie gets too close, use the pen to stab it in the eye.

5. Hand Sanitizer:

After a long day of zombie killing, it’s always good to know your hands can still be germ free.

6. Rain Poncho:

Rain ponchos are not only useful in the rain. Zombie battles can get to be messy business. Clean up is a challenge. Wearing a poncho in battle means you can easily wash away the gore without soiling your clothes.

7. Fruit Snacks and Pudding:

These two items may strike you as tasty treats for yourself, but they are also a useful Zombie deterrent. Pop off the top of the pudding, mix in the fruit snack gummies and you’ve got something quite close to the brains Zombies crave. Use the mixture to lure Zombies into a trap, or toss it to the side as you run to distract them while you escape.

8. Utensils:

A small reminder of the civilized world we occupied before everyone started eating each other.

9. Emergency Blanket:

This lightweight blanket has the added benefit of being bite-proof. Just be sure to cover yourself completely while sleeping.

10. Matches:

Fire is not only essential for cooking and warmth. Zombies burn nicely. Ashes can’t eat you.

11. Water:

This is a small bottle to give you a start. Once it’s gone, you’ll have to find water on your own.

12. Starlight Mints:

If you’re thirsty and find yourself between water sources, suck on a mint.

13. Tootsie Pops:

Not only a tasty treat, Tootsie Pops remind you not to be a ‘sucker’ who gets trapped in a zombie herd.

14. Pocket Ninja:

This wonder tool does everything from opening cans to fixing your glasses. Don’t leave home without it.

15. Crunchy Bars and Crackers:

Short term survival food is essential until you learn how to safely scavenge for food on your own.

Remember, the path to preparedness begins with you. This kit is only the beginning. Keep an axe on hand at all times. Watch for the warning signs. If someone looks like they want to take a bite out of you, don’t hesitate to run. After all, the most important key to survival is your feet. Make an appointment with Dr. Burdge today. Later, you’ll thank him for saving your life.

Of course, I also had to include something for the many who will not survive:

Zombie Apocalypse Treats

It is an unfortunate fact that only one in ten will survive a Zombie Apocalypse. This is why only one kit has been provided. Given these grim statistics, the treats are provided as a gesture of consolation. When the day arrives, may your head be severed swiftly, so the rest of you may rest in pieces.

(For more information on 72 hour kits for Zombie Apocalypses and/or other emergencies go to http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm. Really, I’m not joking. Check out the website. If the CDC says doomsday is headed our way, you better pay attention.)

Here in Houston ’tis the season for floods, hurricanes and preparedness. It hit too close to home a few months ago. The Bayou that is a short distance from our home flooded the road that runs over it. The water nearly swelled over the sides which have been fortified with extra piles of dirt and clay. And we live in a newer housing development with stricter building codes which are in place to prevent flooding. All the same, people’s homes less than five minutes from ours were flooded four and five feet deep.

Baton Rouge has recently experience the same. In both cases, volunteers from our church went to help for several weekends. I couldn’t personally go. They mainly needed muscle, so mostly men went. The women collected supplies and put together care kits for those who were displaced. Nothing feels better than doing service.